Music Snobbery 101

This was written for my floor newsletter, potentially in roughly fifteen minutes. Thought I'd upload here anyways.

Not everyone is quite so interested in music as I am. For many, music may simply be background to a party, an IDS IDS IDS to mosh to (or a WUB WUB WUB, depending on your taste in dance music). However, there will always be times when a quick, knowledgable reference to the appropriate genre could come in helpful. That moment when the crowd of people in classy suits turn to you and ask “So Dylan, what are your views on Debussy's contrapunction of parallel harmonies with the Javanese pentatonic scale?” Maybe a good answer could even SAVE YOUR LIFE. Or at least save you from awkward situations. Either way, the Secret Panda is proud to present a Bluffer's Guide to Musical Intellectualism.

Classical Music

The preferred genre of 83% of all music snobs. Little known fact: Classical music is actually divided into four periods spanning roughly 150 years each: Baroque, Classical, Romantic and Modern (and Renaissance, but thats so old that not even classical snobs care). The easiest way to sound intellectual when discussing Classical music is simply to respond to everything with “yes, but what really interests me is whether Beethoven belongs to the late Classical or early Romantic period.” Then just sit back and watch as the argument rages, your precious contribution valued by all.

Jazz

Hells yes, hep cat. Now, jazz can be a scary genre for some, and for most its just boring. Surprisingly, its harder to fake a knowledge of jazz music than it is of classical. A good start would be investing in a nice hat, and maybe some tapdance-style shoes. Nod your head in some complex rhythm like you have a great groove going in your head, one that no-one else would appreciate. Every now and then you can comment on the “pocket” of the drummer. Clap after every solo, and remember if you're listening to the bit of the song you recognise the tune of (usually a couple of times at the start, and once at the end to finish), then its called the Head. No blowjob jokes please.

Aotearoa Dub

Nice and patriotic this. Just shuffle your feet in time with the rhythm and use lots of slang like like choice, bro, and sick grooves. You should be able to recite a list of bands longer than the combined English and Maori verse of the national anthem, so here are some to help: dDub, Trinity Roots, Fat Freddy's, Black Seeds, Cornerstone Roots, Dubside, Tahuna Breaks and of course my boys Kora.

Indie music

You can literally just say a series of unconnected words like “pocket rabbit is so fluffy right now,” and as long as your mustache is ironic enough you're set.